


The one where everyone is clearly high and delusional

by Ima1



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 03:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10890393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ima1/pseuds/Ima1
Summary: "Ha, you didn't really think any of us ever bought those relationships did you?""Actually, I had been meaning to talk to you about that," says Granny, growing suddenly serious. "I know they're called beards, but you didn't actually have to go find the two scruffiest men on the planet, you know?"Emma and Regina move in together for perfectly justifiable platonic reasons. Because they're friends, of course. But for some reason, the whole town seems to think they've been in a relationship for years. Granny apparently knows what a beard is and Emma thinks that everyone has clearly had too much weed because obviously she and Regina are just friends.





	The one where everyone is clearly high and delusional

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically just crack, to get our minds off certain events of this season (cough cough). Any criticism is more than welcome :)
> 
> Also, Hook just mysteriously disappeared, no one really cares how.

Emma was having a pretty normal day. Or maybe it was an unusual day because there were no monsters or major crisis to deal with. But either way, it was going well.

She had just moved into Regina's spare room. After little Robyn accidentally (or so Zelena says) burnt down Snow and David's loft, Emma had told her parents to move in with her. Her house was big enough, or so she thought at the time. And then the new baby came and there were three adults, one teenager and two small children, one of whom would not stop crying, all sharing a three bedroom house.

It was not working. Emma was tired of sleeping in the basement of her own house. Nice as it was, it was not soundproof. And boy, did her baby sister have some lungs on her.

So she decided to search for a new place and let her parents keep the house. But who knew Storybrooke was already pretty jam-packed with all the new arrivals from wherever the hell they came from? (She might just give up a kidney if she never has to see a portal to another realm again.) So basically, she had nowhere to go.

But then on one particularly drunken night of their weekly (is it still weekly if it's become almost every night?) movies and wine, Regina offered. And surprisingly the offer was still up the next morning. Obviously, she took it. ("It makes sense Emma. We share a son and now he won't have to change houses every week. We can both see him every day.") It made total sense. And anything was better than her overcrowded house at the moment.

And that's why Regina and Emma were now sitting at Granny's for dinner. To celebrate. And they were having a good time until Granny decided to come check up in them.

"Sheriff, Madam Mayor. I hear you have good news for us?" she says with a joyful smile.

Emma looks to Regina for a clue as to what the woman could be talking about but her face looks as equally confused.

"Uh..."

"You've finally moved in together!" Granny exclaims with a clap of her hands.

"Oh yeah-"

"Took you two long enough!" Leroy says from where he's sitting over at the bar.

"What?" Emma asks confused.

"Yeah, only five years later!" says Nova, sitting on the edge of her stool next to Leroy looking like she's about to jump off from excitement.

"What?!?" Emma is looking at them like they've all started speaking gibberish because she has no idea what is going on. Five years?

Regina, sitting across from her, looks just as equally puzzled.

"I'm so glad you finally stopped hiding it!" says Belle from her booth.

"Yeah guys, it's not like everyone's blind," Ruby adds.

When exactly did everyone in the diner start eavesdropping on their conversation?

"What are guys talking about?!"

"How we've always known!" says Granny with a nod of her head, clearly proud of herself for whatever it is she thinks she knows.

Michael Tillman (what the fuck? Random much?) turns around in his booth to face Emma and says simply "It was pretty obvious."

"Oh definitely" Nova agrees, her arms waving excitedly. "I mean, there was all the getting way too close to each other's faces every time you argued..."

"Emma saving Regina from the fire..." adds Belle wistfully.

"That moment in the mines after they saved Henry," says Geppetto.

"Oh, oh!" Ruby exclaims as if she just found a pot of gold, "Regina absorbing the death curse for Emma!"

"How Emma was always defending Regina," Leroy notes sourly.

Duh, they're friends.

"Stopping the trigger together," Snow says.

 _What_? When did her parents get there? And why the hell is Snow joining in with all the crazy that's going on?

"Oh yeah, Emma's magic only working when they're _touching_ ," Ruby adds with air quotes and an exaggerated wink.

"So obvious..." says Blue.

Even _Blue_? What the fuck is going on with these people? Did they all have those magic brownies again that Granny sometimes makes? But it isn't a holiday or anything...is it?

"What?!?" She looks over at Regina who is sporting an equally flabbergasted look, lips parted and eyes wide open. She looks adorable (wait, _what_?).

It's good to know she isn't the only one clueless in this conversation though, she was starting to think maybe she was the one that was high without knowing.

"Oh! Emma sacrificing herself for Regina," says Belle like she just remembered the most important thing.

David ( _seriously_ dad?) just half snorts half laughs and asks "Which time?"

"When she became the Dark One."

"Oh yes, then she gave Regina the dagger for safekeeping," adds Snow with a nod looking all serious.

Yes...cause they're friends.

"And there was the wraith..."

"And the Chernabog..."

"The Ice Queen..."

"Regina going to the underworld for Emma..."

"When she had to let go of the thing she loved the most because of Pan's curse..."

" _Only_ Henry, pft, yeah right," says Ruby with a heavy eye roll.

"So, so obvious" Blue adds again as she casually sips her tea.

"I feel like we're forgetting a few things..."

"Duh, probably all the cuddling I'm sure goes on behind closed doors. And other naughty business" says Leroy, leaving Regina even more stunned than she was already. She's starting to have doubts if everyone here will leave the dinner in one piece because once Regina recovers from the shock she will kill someone, Emma is sure.

And also, what?! No naughty business whatsoever, what is he even going on about?

And just a little bit of cuddling really, she'll give him that. But only when they're watching tv, or reading, or relaxing in Regina's backyard, or when they just feel like it. Well. There was also Neverland, but those were special circumstances. They'd also nearly- _nope_. Not thinking about _that_ right now.

"All the dinners out together," adds Granny with a smile.

" _Without_ Henry," says Ruby, and for fuck's sake, what's with the winking and the insinuations?!

"And work lunches every day!" David puts in. Traitor.

"And late night strolls..." Really Archie, even you? At least he has the decency to look guilty.

"Totally checking each other out all the time," Leroy notes with a dance of his eyebrows.

What? She's not- she doesn't- okay fine, maybe a little bit but, _come on_ , it's Regina! The woman is like freaking sex on heels. She just likes to observe in a purely platonic way.

Jeez, everyone here has a dirty mind.

"All those weekend trips out of town..." says Nova nudging him with her elbow and they both start giggling. Fucktards.

"Regina always rescuing Emma when she falls through a portal." Even you Mulan? Are you freaking kidding me?

"Emma bringing back Robin's wife from the past..." says Snow innocently.

What the actual fuck mom? How can she bring that up and what does that even have to do with the rest of their insinuations?

"Hah!" says Ruby with a clap of her hands and a knowing grin, "that was a classic jealous move!"

 _Oh_ , now she sees the apparent connection. But what is wrong with these people? They're all completely deluded. She wasn't _jealous_ of Regina. She'd have to actually _like_ her to be jealous. Which she totally doesn't. They're just friends. Obviously.

(Though apparently, it's not so obvious for everyone else.)

"What the hell are you all going on about?" And those are the first words Regina has managed utter since this ridiculous conversation started.

"How obvious it is that you two have been in a relationship for years of course!" Granny says like its the most natural thing in the world. Like the word relationship in the same sentence as referring to the both of them is even remotely normal.

" _Excuse_ me?" Regina all but spits out, looking completely shocked. And adorable. ( _Again_? Maybe there really are some extra herbs in her food.)

All Emma can manage apparently is a barely coherent "We- what- what the fuck?"

Because seriously? What? How? Why would they even think that?

(They did point out a few so-called reasons for their ludicrous ideas but she was too stunned to actually follow the conversation. Maybe she better catch up and pay attention.)

"Language, Miss Swan!" Regina admonishes in her usual tone.

And now Emma is definitely convinced her food is laced with weed or something because hearing Regina call her that is doing things to her.

 _No_. She's sure it's just the power of suggestion from listening to all these insinuations about them for the last fifteen minutes.

"Oh yeah, there's also the whole 'Miss Swan' business," Leroy says with a brow wiggle and a conspiratorial look toward Ruby. "Seriously, _obvious_ reference to their kinky sex life, am I right?"

 _Wrong_! So, so wrong!

"What?!?"

Oh, this is bad. This is very very bad. Regina seems to have recovered from the shock and is now fuming and Emma can just see her eyes sparkling purple and feel the energy around her changing.

(Also, Emma has apparently been reduced to a single word vocabulary because 'what' seems to be the only word capable of coming out of her mouth.)

"Right?" Ruby agrees with a mischievous grin. "And the looks, dude."

"So, so obvious," Blue says, and right now she totally has to agree with Regina because she kind of wants to pluck some fairy wings and perhaps stuck that little wand even further up Blue's ass. Fucking fairies.

Now Emma can actually see Regina closing her fists so tightly her knuckles are white. Oh, this is seriously bad.

But of course, instead of diffusing the situation like a normal human being, she's Emma Swan, so she kind of stirs the pot even further.

"Again, what the fuck are you even talking about? We were dating other people! Or are you forgetting about Hook and Robin?"

"Ha, you didn't really think any of us ever bought those relationships did you?" Come on Geppetto! Seriously? _I saved your son dude_!

"Actually, I had been meaning to talk to you about that," says Granny, growing suddenly serious. "I know they're called beards, but you didn't _actually_ have to go find the two scruffiest men on the planet, you know?"

Oh, now was definitely not a good idea to take a sip of her cocoa trying to calm her nerves because now she's chocking on her drink like a fucking cartoon character (and it's bad enough that she's related to a bunch of fairytale characters and maybe sort of one herself). All least she didn't sputter all over Regina, so there's that. She's taking every small victory she can get at the moment.

Speaking of Regina though, the woman has gone from murderous fire in her eyes to actual ghostly pale in about two seconds, which is really freaking Emma out.

Also, what the fuck? How does Granny even know what a beard is? (Archie maybe, but _Granny_?!)

"Oh yes, dead give away right there. As if Regina would ever actually date someone who didn't understand how a shower worked and smelled like a forest all the time," is apparently her mother's response to this. _Yeah right, pure as snow my ass_.

"Totally. And Emma is, like, obviously super gay," Ruby says nonchalantly, giving her a once over look.

Nova just bobs her head up and down and comes up with the brilliant "Everyone knows that."

Which leads to everyone nodding their heads.

_Seriously? What the hell guys?_

"Excuse me! I'm bisexual" Emma yells indignantly. Which only earns her looks of disbelief and pity form everyone on the dinner.

Everyone except Regina, who is still shooting daggers at Snow and- is that a blush on her cheeks?

"Hmm, suit yourself, dear," Belle says, unconvinced.

Granny makes a sympathetic face and says "Yes okay, but it still doesn't justify the dirty pirate, love. You're a princess for goodness sake, surely you have higher standards than that."

"Of course she does! That's why she's dating the Queen!" adds Nova in a tone of voice indicating it's a no-brainer.

"Oh yes" Geppetto agrees. _Dude_.

"And honestly, if you wanted to find yourselves a couple of beards perhaps you shouldn't have chosen two who were so obviously into each other," says Ruby with an eye roll.

How hard are werewolves to kill, she wonders? She'll ask Regina later, 'cause she might just need to do it in the very near future.

"Also a dead give away" nods Nova. Damn fairy is apparently on a roll today. Just fucking great.

Regina just looks at Emma in utter bewilderment and then turns back to Ruby, voice layered with danger. "Pardon?"

"Hook and Hood? Come on, totally hooking up," Ruby replies, making some obscene hand gesture at the same time.

And oh man, this must be some really good quality weed. It's the only explanation really because this shit right here can only be a product of her overactive imagination.

Hook and Robin Hood? She can't help herself and just bursts out laughing. Regina gives her an almost pained look like she is physically suffering from this whole conversation and Emma is actually quite surprised at how she's still putting up with it and no fireballs have been released.

"I thought it was quite clever actually," says Belle with a small smile of admiration directed towards them. "Because I sort of felt bad for the guys but then I realized the four of you planned the whole thing."

"OH! That does make total sense," says Leroy with a big smile.

Emma wonders just how much she can get away with before having to arrest herself. Castration maybe? (Do dwarves even have normal male anatomy?) Seems like he deserves it.

Ruby nods her head and adds with an animated brow wiggle "Yeah, that way everyone benefits."

And Michael Tillman decides that, after keeping his stupid trap shut for so long, now is a good time to intervene. "Damn, clever ladies." She fucking gave him his children back!

"I still don't know why you went to all that trouble though," says Granny in her serious grandmotherly voice, hands on her hips and all.

Ruby bobs her head and adds "Yeah I don't get it either. It's not like we're a conservative town. Well, not about that at least."

"And we all come from the Enchanted Forest!" Belle says with a pointed look.

Emma just looks at her quizzically, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"These things are normal there, honey," says her mother with a smile, "We're very open-minded."

Emma just sits there looking like a fish out of water with her mouth ridiculously opening and closing having no idea what to say or even how to process what just happened.

Do all these people seriously think that she and Regina have been a couple for five freaking years? Through hating each other's guts and boyfriends and soulmates and all?

She's not sure what she's more surprised about, if the fact that everyone has mistaken their  _friendly_ relationship as something more for so long, or the fact that they actually managed to only bring this up now. Probably the second thing. Big gossip mouths that the whole lot of them are.

Emma just rests her elbow on the table and puts her head on her hand looking at Regina for some kind of help. She'll take anything at the moment because her brain is fried. (A couple of fireballs sure seem like an appropriate response at the moment.) "I...I don't even know what's going on right now."

"I would say it seems like Eugenia put a little extra herbal flavoring in the coffee today and everyone is clearly sharing some hallucination, dear," Regina says, oh so very calmly. Too calmly in fact.

Ruby looks at them in exasperation, "Oh please! You can finally admit it!"

"We've just told you we all already knew for years," Belle says simply.

Emma seems to have gotten her brain cells working again because she screams in frustration, "There's nothing to tell! We are not in a relationship, never have been!"

"Well, there was that one time-" Regina mumbles quietly with an impish look which Emma cuts right through with a glare. Is she seriously gonna bring that up _now_? "Right. Not dating, never have been."

"That one time?" Archie asks oh so innocently. Devious little cricket that one.

Regina snaps right at him, "Mind your own business bug."

"Yeah, okay this is just too much craziness even for you fairytale bunch," Emma says as she gets up from their booth. "I'm outa here. Clearly, Regina is right, you're all high as kites!"

"Wait for me, Miss Swan. I can't be expected to just listen to these idiots any longer without throwing a couple fireballs their way," Regina says as she stands up and follows suit, sending everyone a haughty look (which Emma is 99% sure she perfected in front of a mirror) and a sneer.

"Oh, I'd let you!"

"Not very Sheriffy of you," Regina says with a smirk.

She hears Ruby shouting before the door closes "But totally very _Emma_ of her!", followed by Leroy's "Yeah, _lovesick_ Emma!"

Emma just flips them the bird and walks off.

And if she and Regina just so happen to link their hands and smile at each other while they walk home it is for purely platonic reasons.

They're best friends after all. Who sometimes look at each other like they hang the moon. (Which is perfectly normal friend behavior.)

Though this conversation did remind her about that one night in Neverland when they'd almost had...something.

Maybe she'll ask Regina if being housemates comes with certain...benefits.

As friends, of course.


End file.
